• Living Motherhood Creatively

Beyond halfway. Somewhere in the thick of it.

#BTAW2020 #BIRTHTRAUMA #MATERNALMENTALHEALTH #PTSD

First published here on Medium, July 12 2019



Somewhere a few months into the job I realised I was starting to enjoy it. People smiled mostly and were attentive, the routine became second nature and although I didn’t always have time to stop for lunch, it didn’t seem too dissimilar to jobs I’d had before.

It didn’t offer enhanced pay for overtime or flexible working hours, but bonuses were bigger than expected.


My perspective about becoming a Mother started to shift. Yes, I’m talking about becoming a Mum. I do regard it as a job; more so a career - my greatest lifes work to be exact. The largest amounts of investment, effort, patience, trial, error, continued professional development and determination are required in quantities you cannot explain.


I started to build a picture and measure the ranging emotions and experiences I was living with those of my own Mother. They didn’t and still don’t seem to match to many extents in my mind. That though, is a different story.


The value of time became painfully significant when I realised I could no longer squeeze him in 0-3 months or newborn clothes. Gone in the blink of an eye; a stage of agonisingly long nights and hazy mornings. We had progressed, even if only a little in the way we understood each other. Our rhythms became more in sync.

Every day is not perfect, nor easy. I still stand by my opinions and believe that people really need to question their reasons for wanting to create life. Explore the validity of your claims to have a baby, ‘because that’s just what you do' — one person’s answer. Even more interestingly to me was somebody stating; ‘because I promised him I would’.


People look at me in shock when I say that you can live a fulfilling and happy life without children. I believe you can if that's the choice you make and people should not be shamed into thinking a child is the only way to be complete. Completeness comes from within. You have to be full in order to help sustain another whether that is a partner or a child.

I love him entirely but it is crucially important to love myself too. I want to be clear and honest with people about that. My mental wellbeing is still a work in progress, physical wellbeing too. But I get up every day and put on my armour. I do my best. We’re beyond halfway in his 1st year. Somewhere in the thick of it. And I can honestly say I’m enjoying it (mostly), at last.

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Barcelona/ United Kingdom

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