*First published here on Medium, June 18 2019
It cuts deeper than a knife to my skin, a pain that feels so unbearable, I can no longer keep it in. It didn’t paint a pretty picture, nor evoke a smile in friends. I grimace and I turn away from a time that I saw no end.
I didn’t get to meet him in the way that I had always planned, surrounded by my family; me holding his newborn hand. No golden hour, no tears of joy; just sadness and regret, for a wasted opportunity over how we both first met.
Even sadder now, to think that I ever felt so low; because he warms my heart in a way I’ll never be able to truly show. A rocky start, but beyond that now are feelings of remorse, for wishing it all away at a time when I felt lost.
I could never really say for sure the day that my feelings changed, but I knew I loved him deeply when he laughed at me of course.
Looking back now through glasses, of which I can’t tell you the hue for sure…The Beauty is in the pain of it, and that, is what Motherhood is for.